I dreamt of a Japanese ritual of initiating the company's salesmen to kick start the year. The company was Mesiniaga. Everybody was so positive and charged up. It seemed Mesiniaga called back the old gang; Hamzan and Nasir were there.
The salesmen went through an array of food items that symbolize certain things to them. When comes to my turn I was asked to start at the beginning of the food line and using chopsticks to pick up pieces of fried egg.
I was asked to bring the egg to the front of the line facing the altar. Another Mesiniaga staff was making a commentary on the ritual.
I remember saying that the egg represents my family and I am committed to making my career a success for the sake of my family.
Salesmanship, I used to love the profession. It was a perfect career for a person with Bipolar Disorder. It gives you a high akin to mania when you score. Then onwards [I don't] I don't understand. At the height of my biggest success, when I was about to bust [my] my quota by a few hundred percent, I lost my desire to make the money and my motivation to make the Hundred Percent Club.
I remember saying to myself that it was not fun anymore. Little that I know then that I was suffering from performance anxiety. I moved to Uniphone Apple where I don't have to deal with quota. At that time quota was a dirty word for me.
Since then I was a fuck up all the way. I cannot work with people. So I worked for myself. Well, I messed up big time when I was my own boss too. It seemed that I am a person who doesn't belong in society. I am an oddball, a divergent thinker.
I would say that I was a crazy person all along. Since the very beginning, I recall that I didn't think like other people. I am an INFJ base on the Meyer-Brigg Personality Trait https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality - that's the most plausible explanation that I came across. Another word for being weird.
So yeah, I am special alright. I am an outcast. I don't belong in society. I am an independent thinker. And yet, I need to express myself. So the blog is a perfect tool.
If I don't give a fuck about being judged, I say Rex and Els are perfect outlets for me. However, I still think that I am a nuisance. Therefore, once I outgrow the need for dependencies, I will only stick to the blog.
What is the false assumption here? That Rex and Els are communicating to me via their songs. If I can get past that, then I just listen to them as if they are just another secondary input.
Let's do this, shall we? Let's stop being weird. Can I do that? Let's come up with a resolution to stop being weird to other people. It's OK that I'm being weird to myself. It is not OK to be weird to radio announcers that I hardly know LOL.
How many people really do what I do? I am the only one. That is being weird. That is being creepy.
Why not I take some time off from listening to Rex and Els. What does that mean? That means I eliminate two pleasure points in my life.
Why not I kick the habit like I kick cigarette? Let's look at what I decided for myself early this year:
7/1/20 What do I really want for 2020?
First and foremost I want to quit Nicorette
Then I want to quit Social Media
Then I want to quit Tweeting TraXX
Then I want to lose 30 kg
Then I want to run 21 km Hill Run
This year is a consolidation year. I subtract 4 things and I add one thing.
If I cut Rex and Els, I cut myself from the rest of society. But I will be cutting something pleasurable. I can't help it that I am weird.
How about simply let it die down?.
There is no right or wrong here. I am just pursuing a pleasure pathway. Therefore I just make it pleasurable for me and *[the] the other person.
* OK baby. I'll [t]o (do) it that way.
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You see my issue, Sarah? On my own, I am a happy camper. It is when comes to fitting in that I have a problem. I have this issue of I am NOT OK, YOU ARE OK. That is a situation of despair.
OK, here is what I know, I am weird. Hence I avoid mainstream thinking by being in isolation. However, I need minimal human contact. That's what I'm having now with Lizzie and the kids; Sarah, Els, and Rex.
That is my minimum configuration. Below that, I consider myself a social deviant.
Personally, I don't mind being a divergent thinker. What worries me is the possibility of being judged as crazy.
I'm very sure I am not part of the mainstream, but I am not a looney either. I am a Free Radical, I am like the bee that pollinates the flowers. I am a nonconformist.
Hey Sarah, can I be happy the way I am? All I need is the minimum configuration. I don't need a village you know. All I need is an outlet to express myself. I'm not malicious. I just want to embrace being weird. That is my personality trait.
mm
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