I had a weird dream. I came across a toll booth but I cannot cross with the car because it was knee-deep in water. The water was so deep that it had schools of fish in it. I had to send Lizzie [to] (and) Princess somewhere. We had to wade the water to get past the toll booth. When we managed to cross, we had to walk on the road. I told them to go first so that I can turn back and take the car. I had to take a long road back. Along the way, I was intimidated by a young punk. Then when I arrived at the toll booth, it was fenced. I had to run down a slope to get down.
When I woke up, I had a splitting headache. Straight away I took the painkiller.
My mind is in distress. My head is buzzing like it was since yesterday.
My tongue tastes bitter due to the gunk residue.
I remember my first cigarette. I remember the first time I was punished. It was because I smoked a cigarette. I was 6 years old then. My father locked me out in the middle of the night.
I hate my father. He beats me whenever he felt like it. During dinner, while in bed, while in the bathroom.
I had a troubling childhood alright.
If I can still remember my first punishment... Now I remember how sadistic was my father. Once, he chased me around the house with a banana tree trunk pretending he wanted to beat me with it. I was not even in school yet. I ran away scre[en]ing (screaming) like bat out of hell. He laughed as if it was some kind of entertainment. My mother laughed along with him.
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Next, I remember Alom Saha, a Bangladeshi immigrant in UK who became an atheist. He also had a stern father, He referred to his father as TOM (The Old Man). I contacted Alom Saha once. I asked for his advice on how to become an atheist in Malaysia. I want to meet another Muslim heathen.
It was the same as when I wanted to meet another Bipolar patient. I wanted to hear from a third party about what it's like to be me.
In the end, I decided that I am better off alone. At least when I am alone, I can contain the madness to myself.
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I know that my illness is deeply seated. It is a very complex illness. It turns me into a social deviant.
The best part is I am fine with that. As a matter of fact, I want to assert my position as a deviant.
Now that I had come to a full circle in my journey of uncovering who I am, I am contented to keep the knowledge to myself. Just [] (to) let me know that I am God and God is me. Nobody has to subscribe to this idea. I don't even intend to make it into a doctrine.
It is a personal realization. This is my satori. Surely I am sensible enough to reason with myself that God is encompassing through all matters. God is the Force, the Aiki, or the Chi.
Certainly, I am fully happy with this discovery. The rest of the information may or may not be useful. This is a sieving process. I had to go through tons of dirt to get to the gold nugget.
In this case, I don't care about all those byproducts of my thoughts. What matters is I am God and God is me. That means all these talks about eternal damnation and hell for sinners are obsolete. Surely God won't harm or punish part of Himself.
I don't believe in the model anymore. Just like I don't believe in being a taker. I know for sure the path of enlightenment is through giving.
Oprah asked, “What do you know for sure?”
“It takes giving to be happy,” replied Dalai Lama.
I had given out much. However, giving need not means parting with material possession. I give away my knowledge freely. I give away my heart unconditionally.
What do I get in return? The realization that my life will be OK from here to eternity. It is like having an insurance policy. It gives me peace of mind.
I didn't expect that as my reward. As I asked many times, "What will I do differently if I know I cannot fail?"
Certainly, I will not go around flogging my Golden Ticket. Therefore all I do is enjoy the time I have. I may be poor in many aspects but I am sure I am rich with time.
I am time affluent. I have 21 years to spa[c]e (spare).
Suddenly time slows down for me. I don't need to get anywhere in a hurry.
Basically, when I win over time, I win over eternity.
Time is gold according to the Malay proverb.
In my case, my time is CASH.
The best part is I know where is my finishing line; KBOOOM 2041. Is that the truth? Well, I just follow where the argument leads. If it happens, it happens. If not I am pretty sure I reach my Final Destination when I'm dead. Until then, I just enjoy the moment.
No matter how I look at it, one thing remained unchanged. That is I have full control of my time. I'm not going to change that by getting into training again. It is my destiny to be Time Affluent.
There is the Force, the Path, and the Flow. I don't control any of these. I just manage my ship either by manning the oars or adjusting the sail. Whatever the case may be, I am going with the XYZ Equation, not against it.
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