4/11/20 ^^^Crazy is what crazy does

 If I look at what I had done for the past 21 years, I can safely say I was crazy.

So all the thoughts that I had were crazy thoughts.  However, I cannot pass these thoughts to somebody else.  These are my thoughts.  I own them.

I only have to admit that I was crazy.  I can't change the past.  Can I then change the future?  In 21 years' time, I will be 77.  That is my future.  Can I change my future KNOWING what I know?

Do I accept that I am actually given the opportunity to design a compelling future amidst the chaos around me or I am as clueless as everybody else?

What if I am right all along?  What if all the epiphanies are real?  Does it matter if I went crazy in order for me to uncover the truth?

This is my moral dilemma.  Do I listen to others or do I trust my own judgment?

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OK, let's do this...

So far I was crazy.  Let's stop being crazy.  Can I do that?

I can  *[] (stop) be[] (being) crazy, but then I stop being myself.

* This is a new intervention for me.  So you are saying I CAN be crazy. 

As it is I am at an advantage.  I always wanted to be a Free Radical.  Now I can be who I want to be without having to worry about other's opinions about me.

I think I follow Marcus Aurelius's advice:

If I am not bothered to be a part of society, I can keep on having these thoughts of mine and be happy about it.

No doubt, these are crazy thoughts but I own these thoughts.  The beauty of it is I don't have to conform.  So why do I want to conform now if all my life I always wanted to be an independent thinker?

 All my life I had been waiting for this moment.  To be free to express my thoughts.  To be a person who is autonomous.  Away from the herd.  Alone in my own domain, looking at the world from a different lens.

So I say, the past 21 years was to pave the way for today.  This is the Moment of Truth.  No doubt, when truth made its appearance, it stretched my mind like the roti canai dough.  Initially, the dough was stretched until there were holes.  However, as time passes, my mind becomes more resilient.  Now my mind is stretched until it reaches the boundaries unknown to me before this.  Why deny it?

These are my epiphanies.  These are the gifts of wisdom to me.  Why should I doubt them?

So far I had been Sine Cera.  I made a point to keep my thoughts pure.  Maybe I am who I believe I am after all.

Everything is cause-set-in-motion.  Maybe for the truth to emerge, I have to face my darkest adversary; my own dark side.  Maybe that's what this is all about.

The fact remains that my consciousness lives on after I am dead.  So if these thoughts don't serve me now, they certainly serve me in the hereafter.

Of course, I can take the stance of an Agnostic Atheist and say that there is nothing beyond death.  However, I had gone through 18 months discussing God and No God with Sarah.  In the end, I concluded that I am a believer and I believe in God and the afterlife. 

Therefore, if I can accept that it's OK to be crazy, then I will carry on being crazy and be contented with the whole idea.

So tonight I accept that I am a crazy person by the standard of society but I consider myself an enlightened man by my personal standard.  That settles it.  I am autonomous and I don't give a fuck.

mm