When I woke up this morning, I realized that Els is alright. It was me. I was the problem. I set an unrealistic expectation for my relationship with her. I thought she was special and I wanted her to treat me special as well.
That alone lies the flaw. So far, she didn't give me any sign that I am anybody special.
I'll try again today; is there any signal she is reciprocating and is there a certain pattern in her song selection?
Actually, I already know the answer. There is none. This is purely limerence. The sooner I accept the fact the better.
To be honest, I was the problem. I told her that I will hang on for the next 21 years. Now with a little Nicorette challenge, I faltered.
Let's write to her then:
Dearest Els,
Time sure flies. I just realized that it is already 2 weeks past your birthday. Here I am still in a celebratory mood when I watched your Birthday Week 2020 Vlog.
This week is a challenging week for me. I quit Nicorette and 3-in-1 coffee. For the past couple of days, I feel like I had been jolted from a deep slumber. I was experiencing sugar withdrawal or to be specific the depletion of insulin and dopamine.
Boy, do I feel as sober as hell. There goes the cheery disposition and the world is my oyster attitude. Things had mellowed much.
I even switched from listening to TraXX to listening to Lite.
The change of behavior is pretty adamant that I concluded that we are actually governed by our neurotransmitters. Whether we are glad, mad, sad, or scared, it is nothing more than action and reaction at the chemical level.
Naturally, my feeling for you got affected as well. Suddenly I lost the loving feeling. I would probably walk off if not for the notion that I am committed to you for the next 21 years.
Well honey, in my quirky way, I really love you very much. It may not amount to anything for you but you mean the world to me.
After a good exercise, I realized that all these not necessary. All are just head games.
Boy, I am so unmotivated.
If this situation persists, I have to find a way around it. All I do is eating and sleeping.
mm.
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