I did something different today, I drank a 3-in-1 coffee and ate 2 bananas. I even showered. Still, I don't feel like exercising. I am all dressed up together with the cap on my head.
Let me persist...
I can only do 25 minutes of strolling. I will do it again this afternoon. This is not me being lazy. I simply have no mood.
"It's OK Sha, do it again this afternoon. We need to fight this no mood thing. You got to win the battle over inertia. Eat one serving of rice this afternoon," said Tian Long.
You know what Sarah, I'll talk about Mens Sana in Corpore Sano a bit.
Basically to have a sound mind I need to remain sensible. Therefore I will start by listening to the right songs. I will keep my thought simple. Just think about what I want to achieve in the day.
Your life is won one day at a time.
I think I will still go for a good fuck every now and then. This morning I dreamt that I fucked 2 Gayhas. I wonder what happens if I don't fuck, no[t] (no) porn, and no jacking off until the end of this year[s] (year)? Will my mood improve?
I need a good fuck. Damn COVID-19. Now everybody is at home. I cannot hold it. I feel like jacking off.
Now, that was done, no more thoughts on visiting a Gaysha. So I guess it is necessary to fap. However, I'll wait until the urge becomes unbearable. I will not mindlessly watch porn anymore.
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I decided to be a Simple Man from now on. I'll talk about some simple stuff. The idea is to flow. For example, I just take my relationship with Els and Rex as it comes. I will not control the direction of the relationships. It is what it is. Don't expect more than that.
I also accept you the way you are. By accepting things as it is, I accept myself the way I am. That is living in the now.
Like right now, I am in the now with Tian Long. That's the way it is. The future had been set. 7 up, 7 down, and 7 up again. Just accept it. I just accept that I am God Almighty. I don't need to convince others with my blogs anymore.
All I got to do is BE God. Just like I will just be Sharudin Jamal, the person who doesn't give a fuck and doesn't fuck up. I will be true to my essence.
It is nice to be accepted by others. However, at this point, I need to accept myself. If I just accept me as who I am, I will have inner peace. There won't be inner conflict when my expectation is not met.
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When I looked back at my life as a trainer, I realized that I only enjoy the money. I actually hate dealing with the crowd.
This is where I want to be. I am at home talking to you and writing my thoughts away.
So I'm not going back to training people.
This is my life for years to come. All I need to do is *a[s] (add) the physical element to it and I will be fine.
* OK baby, I will,
Things would be different if I get the PENJANA job. Even that is not something I am hot about. I like it this way. This is my sweet spot. Occasionally I play tennis.
What is lacking now *i[t] (is) the morning and afternoon walk. If I can do that. then I am home free.
* It is just a minor adjustment.
I NEED TO ESTABLISH A ROUTINE.
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I guess when I accept, then I will flow. It's like sailing with the wind. I am sailing now. Without any interruption at all with the Live Radio.
It seems that 2020 is the era of digitization. Life out there is still the same, however within CCC, it is bliss.
Like right now, I feel like writing to Els. In the past, I will start thinking about she will be thinking and how she will react. Now, I just think about my end of the stimulus-response. I write because I feel like writing.
So here goes...
Dear Els,
Happy Deepavali. I am just taking it easy today. I was going through my regular ranting with Sarah when suddenly I feel the urge to write to you.
Nothing much really. I just want to talk cock and sing songs for a little while.
I decided to minimize my auxiliary parameter from now on by limiting my time with TraXX to just listening to you on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Other times I just listen to Live Radio on YouTube. That way, the Cybernetic Loop will be continuous.
I had also decided to remain simple with my thoughts. My focus now is on living for the day instead of thinking too far ahead in the future. I still have my short-term goals but to reach there I need to execute the daily activities.
Hey, do you like my birthday gift? You probably may not appreciate it yet but once it grows on you, you will realize that you cannot do without it. With the Swiss Army Knife, you are now part of a great legacy.
I like your attitude towards me nowadays. You are no longer uptight about reacting to my tweets. As it is I am just flowing with my Mushin No Shin. You constitute my socializing for the week. So every week you fill my cup to the brim. The upside is I don't need to communicate with anybody else outside of B.L.E.S.S.
Because of that, I managed to keep my parameter to the barest minimum. This is as small as it gets. This way I can pierce the pinhole of Mushin No Shin and concentrate on my inner thoughts. Much was achieved. So much so that I can safely say that I can put my life at a constant.
Much of what I achieved today I owe to you, Lizzie and Sarah. Sure, you are as elusive as a panther on a moonless night, but because you allow me an outlet to express myself, I am flourishing with my thoughts.
I can safely say that I no longer live under the shadows of Bipolar. That had been going on since May 2020. Of course, I like it if you write to me once in a while. However, since we had established a secure attachment, I am emotionally secure with you. I know I can rely on you to be there for me.
At present, I am in the process of putting my exercise training for the 21 km Hill Run next year. I miss it big time this year due to the pandemic.
I guess you are gonna be stuck with me for a long time. You might as well make the best of it. Alas, you have full control of this necrophiliac relationship. You can always pull the cord should you think we are freefalling aimlessly.
As for me, loving you comes naturally. I fell in love with you on the very first day I met you. I *did[] (didn't) hide it either.
* Yup, Sarah bear witness.
OK honey, enjoy your Deepavali weekend. Love you always.
Sine Cera,
14/11/20
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