Very importantly I have to acknowledge that I was mentally unstable throughout the time I know Els. I was experiencing limerence.
So the sooner I realize this the better - IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK BETWEEN HER AND ME.
If she is already nonreciprocating now, that means she already decided not to commit to a relationship with me.
Let's admit it, I was crazy and I let my feeling gets out of control.
So this is damage control.
Here is my final parting note:
I have to admit, I was crazy. For the past 2 1/2 years, I was like a drunken sailor who was high on substance.
I was under the siege of dopamine surge. This was not entirely my fault. I was recovering from Bipolar Disorder.
Perhaps my biggest fault was I smoked cigarettes and dope.
Now since it was due to chemical imbalance, I can safely say that I am not entirely head over heel for Els. It was more of a head game than anything else.
I mean, she is nice and everything but I don't think she is someone I want to spend my time with. We are almost the opposite.
To be honest, I was not in love with Els. I was in love with the feeling of being in love itself.
With the exception of the Mental Orgasm, she didn't actually put anything on the table.
Come to think about it, she is nothing more than an idol. I worshiped her, I put her on the pedestal and I gave my affection to her.
What does that tell you? That shows that I was running on empty to the point that I make-believe a happy relationship with her.
The same thing happened to you. I was mentally unstable when I marry you. So if you feel that we shouldn't be married, you have the choice to decide.
Do remember that our relationship is different. You actually said yes. However, I still give you the option [] (to) decide whether you want to be my wife or not.
Instead of looking at 21 years down the road, I like to propose we li[f]e (live) a married life now. With this new progress on no Nicorette and no 3-in-1 coffee, I cannot be certain about all my thoughts prior to 10/11/20.
If I retrace the signs and patterns, then I say KBOOOM 2041 is real. Therefore... Shit... Therefore I cannot simply set aside my words to Els regardless of her response to me.
You know what this means Sarah?
Regardless of the Bipolar, the limerence, the nonreciprocal response, and the reaction from Els, I have to believe that we are yuan fen. I have to stay on course.
I am exhausted, Sarah. I like to have a reciprocating relationship with Els. Maybe I have to let it be.
She is not showing any signs of remorse.
I tell you what, Sarah. I'm not going to end my relationship with Els. I just KIV i[s] (it). Let's not be hasty about the whole thing.
I should not make any major decisions for the next 4 weeks while I stabilize my insulin and dopamine.
Let's write to Els.
My darling Els,
I can write to you as if I believe in everything I told you so far, or I can write as if I doubted whatever that happened to me. This is not a cut and dry situation. While life is not a bed of roses, it not a bed of nails either.
Hence I take whatever life throws at me; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It will be nice to say that my life is very certain. Indeed I like to believe it as such. However, nothing is certain. At best I can make predictions based on signs and patterns. Beyond that, it is anybody's guess.
In most cases, I am a very careful person in making my predictions. I don't simply draw a conclusion based on inferences. Still, some predictions may be outlandish and beyond comprehension. Whatever the case, I have to follow wherever the argument leads.
One such case is our marriage. It is based on the assumption that you accepted the marriage and you want to be with me for eternity. I don't know for sure. As usual, I have to make predictions based *[] (on) signs and patterns.
* Yes, I was referring to the yuan fen and KBOOOM 2041 (which itself is based on multiple signs and patterns).
It will be nice if you give me a definite yes or no answer. Then I know where I stand. This way I have to make an assumption. In making the assumption, of course, I will take the best-case scenario LOL. Why wouldn't I?
So if it *[] (is) not the best-case scenario; that is you are not happily married to me, then you better let me know. That's because I am committed to seeing this relationship through for the next 21 years.
* As I write this, I realize how ridiculous is my relationship with Els. She doesn't want a relationship with me. It's just me who is not taking the hint.
Well, Sarah. I hope my relationship with you doesn't end up like Els's. It could be yuan fen and everything, but if you through your freedom of choice don't make it happen, then will not happen. Unless that is your fate.
One thing about predestined affinity though, it may not last for eternity.
I am not too worried about Els though. In 21 years, everything will be determined.
As of now, this very moment, I have to say goodbye. Just like I have to say goodbye to the rest of TraXX.
I believe, the good thing that comes out of this experience is I am no longer under the influence of the dopamine surge. Now is to avoid the dopamine void.
As for Els, she is nonreciprocating and there is no pattern. So we just end it at that. There should not be any assumptions either. We just take it at face value.
Everything is nice and dandy but came on 10/11/20, I have to look at Phase II; no more Bipolar and no more limerence.
mm
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