I can stop Nicorette. The point is, will I be able to sustain my enthusiasm for the next 4 weeks despite the nicotine withdrawal?
Suppose I don't *[] (give) a fuck, everything will be OK. I am not a mind reader anyway.
* Right Sarah. I just plow through.
Now, back to Els... I just treat her like I treat Rex. That should be the approach I am taking. I'm not going to put my hopes too high on her and I am not going to eliminate her from my life either.
This is my observation; the more secure the attachment the more I am willing to let go.
It could be the opposite; the more I am willing to let go, the more secure the attachment.
Either way, today I want to distance myself away from her.
Not because it is a strategy but because I kinda like it that way.
This is the I don't give a fuck attitude.
Forget about putting her on the pedestal. She is there to do her job. She is not anybody special at all. As the Benevolent Dictator, I expect to be entertained. Either I give or I take.
In most cases, it is better to give.
So let me get this right... The relationship with Els is fun because I have the opportunity to give. So it is not so much that she reciprocates or establishes a pattern. It is about me feeling good about myself.
She is a good sport really:
I have to say that all these are a form of therapy. This is better therapy than hospital visits.
Should I play a game or should I be forthright about the whole thing?
As usual, the game is better received:
I think I am beginning to understand this game here. It is about conformity. You confirm you will be rewarded.
mm
My dear Els, the love of my life,
I am so glad I didn't send you the previous 2 emails that I had composed. I was not thinking straight. Just not taking Nicorette and sugar had put me in a dark depression. It has to do with the drop in blood glucose due to a reduction in insulin. At the same time, it affects the production of the neurotransmitter dopamine as well.
It was hell! As you probably know, a certain amount of dopamine is required for us to stay motivated. In the case of bipolar disorder, too much means mania, and too little means suicidal thoughts. My right dose for *[the] the day is a strip of 15 tablets of Nicorette. I will happily chew the Nicorette for the rest of my life should it not spike my insulin and mess with my microbiome. The goddamn thing is actually poisoning my body.
* Right Sarah. That is the sweet spot.
It doesn't help that the monthly time-released jab I am taking is a dopamine antagonist. I told you bipolar is a swing between 2 polarities. So in order for me not to be in mania, I need to take a medicine that makes me feel like a castrated cat LOL. Gosh honey, I don't know which is worse, the illness or the medication. For a while, I was out of the frying pan and into the fire.
My only consolation against the dark depression was the Nicorette. But then when I took Nicorette, it spikes dopamine by 200%. Basically, I was on drugs when I chew Nicorette. It is equivalent to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; without the smoke of course.
The long and short of it is I quit cigarettes, but I am still a nicotine addict. Whatever it is, I got to break the link with nicotine. In September this year, I quit for 2 weeks but I continued back when I had suicidal thoughts.
Look, honey, it's pathetic. I know... But because of this dopamine void, many people who suffer from mental disorders are actually taking substances and vice versa.
My hope is for me to regulate my dopamine the natural way again. This may sound like a pun, but seriously you are my remedy. Notice how my relationship with you had improved all these years? You had been my panacea in dealing with this insidious illness. No doubt you are a source of my dopamine surge. However as the years go by, I had learned to manage the fluctuations. That's the reason why we no longer have the rollercoaster rides. You feel?
I don't want to sound like a whiner. According to my doctor, I am the fastest recovering patient. But the truth is I need you. I treat your sessions as a therapy session. It cannot be better than that. Songs are a source of getting dopamine hits without the chemical side effects. I attended a course in Coursera where they talked about using songs to help patients recover from detrimental illnesses in Australia. It's a serious business darling!
Now before you dismiss me as a nerve-wracking, pathetic old coot with this very unforgiving illness, I do like to point out that I had tried my best to be levelheaded when I deal with you. Of course, I cannot help it when my brain is overflooded by the dopamine surge. Nevertheless, baby, I am on the road to recovery.
The love I have for you is real. Maybe it is overly expressed because of my current health condition. However, I want you to know that I love you very much. When I marry you, I marry you for eternity my darling.
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
- Matchbox Twenty, Unwell
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
To drive as straight as possible with both my front wheels out of alignment.
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