The alarm rang. I shut it off and decided to take a snooze. What seemed to be 5 minutes was actually 1 hour. This morning is cold. So I guess it is still a victory for me. Yesterday I was being extraordinary. Today is the old norm. So I shouldn't be hard on myself.
I dreamt that Els is going to wait for me till the end. Els is my source of happiness and my source of dispair. Therefore I let it be. This is a long run. I must be true to my words. I told her I will stick to her until the end. I might as well do it.
What is sure is I am governed by my neurotransmitters. Since I become the Athlete4Life, I am more of a Yang. The idea is to listen to the inner dialogue. What it says *i[t] (is), I am over her.
* Therefore I just go with the flow.
It's just an infatuation. In reality, there is nothing between me and her. So I just act as a fisherman. At best I treat her as a pet cat.
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This morning's walk might as well be the worst walk. I was in a state of stupor. My energy was extremely low. I walked as if I was sleepwalking. When I came back, I immediately helped myself with peanut butter sandwiches and 3-in-1 coffee. I feel uplifted a bit.
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If I look back at my worst years, I say it was the time when I smoked pot on regular basis. I wasn't motivated to do anything at all. All I care about was getting high.
I must fight depression head-on. Exercise can make me depressed. This is a very complex illness, I need to strike a balance. I must fight it head on.
mm
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