I had a really good night's sleep. Never in my life do I expect to fall asleep by 10:00 pm. I sleep early and I wake up early. I had wished that for a very long time. No[t] (Now) that is a reality.
I will make it for 6:45 am today. I like it when it is still dark.
I still have the urge for Nicorette. I am not fully acclimatized yet like I am with cigarettes and dope. I hope the exercise will offset it. The pull factor with exercise is the sprint at the end.
I'll try to run a little bit today. I must be Sisyphus and Icarus at the same time.
THE TIME TO ACT IS NOW!
I'll do my best to enjoy my N-SEEM today.
Well if to run is *[to] too ambitious, I'll make sure I complete the BU/6 walk.
* You are right sweetie, I need recovery from yesterday.
AS LONG AS I PERSIST, I AM A SUCCESS
My feet ache a bit. I am not worried about my feet. I am more concerned that I am having the urge to chew Nicorette.
I am feeling a little stupor too. If I read it correctly, I say my dopamine is low today. That is normally the case when I have the urge for dope and cigarettes. Nowadays it gets translated into wanting to chew Nicorette.
It could also be that I am low in sugar. The 3-in-1 coffee keeps flashing in my mind like a TV commercial.
Let me lie down for a few hours and see where this is heading...
Later, honey.
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After snoozing for 2 1/2 hours, I caved in to sugar. I am still so tired even after sleeping that long. At the same time, Lizzie steamed some dumplings. So I decided to do IF 16/8 today by consuming the dumpling, raisins, 2 banana cakes, and a 3-in-1 coffee.
I'm glad I did it. I am on the verge of merely existing instead of functioning.
It's like taking drugs. Suddenly I feel so contented and euphoric.
No regret at all. At least it is an IF 16/8.
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With that in view let me decide on my medals:
Gold: AHAD, No Nicorette, OMAD
Silver: No Nicorette, AHAD
Bronze: No Nicorette
Now I know why it was difficult for me to quit smoking. It's not that I [] (don't) have willpower, it's the depression that got the best of me.
I was following the same pathway. At first, I feel lethargic. Then it was followed by overwhelming sleepiness. If I don't take heed, it will head towards depression and eventually suicidal thoughts.
Looks like if I do the IF 16/8, I can rectify the situation without having to resort to Nicorette. The conclusion is if I can manage my dopamine, I can manage to get thin.
The only way to do it is to listen to the body. I am still in the Silver category although it was half an AHAD on 2 out of 4 days.
Nothing to be alarmed about except that this is not a progression. I must persist.
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What do you think Sarah? Should I maintain contact with Els?
She does make me happy. At the same time, I feel she is nonreciprocating.
Perhaps today I just listen.
I'm not a doormat by any means.
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The question that is playing in my mind is, "Will I be behaving in that manner if I am not under the influence of nicotine?"
The answer is I won't, like right now.
So my attraction to Els is actually due to hypomania. It is dopamine-induced. The issue here is, without the dopamine surge, will I still be in contact with her?
Without dopamine, everything is pretty bland.
This is really a test for fealty:
If nothing, then I save my money.
She said yes through a song after I send the Tweet and after she announced a technological breakthrough from Switzerland. Talk about yuan fen.
Gosh, I feel like taking some Nicorette. That means I am low in dopamine.
I have to resist. Otherwise, I will fail miserably today.
Fuck it... I am trembling like a drug addict now. I need the Nicorette.
See? With Nicorette, my mind soars again...
While I am at it, I'm already on my second Nicorette.
I say I still win Silver today. I still exercise for 40 minutes.
I will skip dinner tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. It will start with a good night's sleep.
Honey, this Vision Quest is really a test against the medication. I remember in 2013, I really ballooned after one year on Risperdal. Then, when I quit in 2014, I can run the Half Marathon and the 11 km Hill Run on the alternative week. After that, I suffered the worst psychosis. That's because I smoked dope.
2015 I ballooned again due to Paliperidone. 2017 and 2018 I managed to contain it. 2020, I lost control due to the Movement Control Order.
I guess, push come to shove, I exercise AHAD and I eat OMAD but whenever I experience dopamine void, I chew Nicorette sparingly.
I am very sure if I quit Paliperidone, I can run again. Nevertheless, I will persist on daily basis until the end of this year. I cannot say much since I had not invoked the Massive Action Plan.
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I had been asking you the same question all these years. Let me ask you again. Do I make you happy, Sarah?
You always keep quiet when I ask you a personal question.
Let's wait for Els's answer:
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