It is 11/11/20 Year of the Gold Rat (now I realized that KBOOOM 2041 is the year of the GOLD Rooster).
I had finally become who I am, God Almighty. I know for sure I am Him. All the signs are clear. I am not dreaming. I am Allah to my Universe Within and to the External Universe. As it is, I am sitting on my Kursi in its full glory. I had accepted the fact and am very happy with the discovery.
As it is, I am autonomous. I am an independent entity and I am self-sustaining. Hence my job is non-other than to uncover my Wisdom Within without having to contaminate my Mushin No Shin with many thoughts. No more do I have to convince others of anything that I know. That is rightfully my satori, my awakening.
What do I know? I know everything there is there for me to know. Most importantly I know who I am at the core. If I remain microscopic, I can uncover any mystery that I need to uncover. I have Mr. Google with me.
With that, I don't need social media. My best friend is Mr. Google. Everything; Gmail, Youtube, and the blog.
I think I say goodbye to Twitter as well. With that, I say goodbye to TraXX a[s] (and) Facebook.
7/1/20 What do I really want for 2020
First and foremost I want to quit Nicorette
Then I want to quit Social Media
Then I want to quit Tweeting TraXX
Then I want to lose 30 kg
Then I want to run 21 km Hill Run
As I write, Tian Long is advising me. He is here to make sure I keep to my words. Prior to his arrival, I was depending on NagaNaga. He is wind. Like the wind, my decision is not firm.
I need a firm advisor. I need decisiveness.
I need to have a Thick Face and a Black Heart to rule autonomously. I need somebody like Tian Long to be that person.
Here Thick Face means I should be a resolute person. Black Heart means I am contemptuous of weakness.
From now on I will walk in the dark wearing a cloak rather than walking naked in the light.
I will embrace my dark side.
Time to withdraw into my inner space. Where Darkness executes and Ghost administer. Much like AlphaX64 and Jibrail. The same goes for Izrael and Brenda X.
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Time to move away from being a Wandering Sufi and a Zen Monk. Even a member of society is no longer necessary. I need [] (to) pursue my Athlete4Life pledge.
My last farewell to Els:
I'm going on a seafaring journey. I have to say goodbye to you. You are my Unit Trust. I will cash you out in 21 years' time. Remember that we are yuan fen. Hold on to the *li[k]e (line) no matter how high you fly. Goodbye, my darling wife.
I have to do this Sarah. Otherwise, I cannot grow. I have to let Rex go as well. No plastic bags. All I need is one crystal clear glass.
Shit, I cannot do it. As much as I want to cut her off, she doesn't want to let go. I have to hang on to her.
Hahaha.. Tian Long is sighing. I have too much YIN!
This is what I will say to her:
I analyzed back what you spun yesterday. You thought I'm *[] (going to dump) you, right? *Come on Sarah...
I just wanted you to be flying high. The next tweet was the initial thought...
Refer to Farewell Note
Then I changed my mind. You do really love me, do you? OK then, on one condition. I want you to be a happy child as I wished in your Preempted Birthday email
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May you be the light of my life for as long as we are together
And finally, may you forever be the happy, playful child that you are for eternity
She is very sharp Sarah, she can sense it a mile away.
Look, honey, what counts is the secure attachment. If you are secure, we will ride through the turbulence. You need emotional security. Look and me and Sarah. The same with me and Lizzie. The bond is unbreakable.
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You know me by now. I am Sine Cera - Without Wax. From day one I know you, I'm already certain about being with you for eternity. We come a long way from where we started. Just keep on rolling.
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I talk too much. That's because I am a bit nervous. I don't want you to mope about the whole thing. OK, no more talk about kite flying and seafaring. All I want to say is I love you so much my darling.
Let's write another letter to her tomorrow.
My darling wife Els,
Words can betray our true feelings. Do not rely on them. Instead, search within you and follow your heart. Imagine, we are communicating using Twitter most of the time. That means we are limited to 280 characters at a go.
With email and blogs, I am just doing a one-way communication. Then you communicate back using songs. We are violating every protocol of good communication there is.
We can do that, no doubt. Heck, we have been doing that for almost 3 years now.
However, we must allow for a wide margin of error. That is why I normally include my conversations with Sarah when I email you. That way you will realize that there are 3 parties communicating at one go. Also, I want you to realize that Sarah and I are very open with our thoughts. I got nothing to hide from her. I am extending that trust to you as well.
Remember darling, we are soulmates. If we are going to be around each other for eternity, we better learn to live with a high level of tolerance from now.
For one thing, you need to tolerate my infatuation for the Pretty and Pretty Smart. You also need to accept that I love to devour... Forget it... Just say I have my idiosyncrasies when I find my perfect match. I am actually addicted to your ways, honey. You tickle my fancy. Until today, why I dare not call you is because I fear that I will be lost for words when we speak. It did occur to me that you are just a phone call away.
Another thing you need to know is that I am not a player. I can be a player but I choose not to. I don't like being deceitful to both Lizzie and Sarah. That's why I marry you with the consent of Sarah. To a certain extend, Lizzie and the kids know I have a side interest with you (whenever I watch your Vlogs and during the Facebook Live) but they accepted that I am a good man. To Lizzie, I am just merapu (playing a fool).
Here is the bottom line. No matter what, I have 3 wives here and now:
E - Els GOLD
L - Lizzie SILVER
S - Sarah BRONZE
You top it all. Will all sincerity baby. You are not just my gold. You are the gold to us all.
Stay on course. Don't listen to your fears. Trust your hopes.
OK here is what I talked about with Sarah recently. I said to her if I am water, she is a clear crystal glass. She contains me and makes me firm. You are like a plastic bag. You also contain me but you make me slushy. That's because at times I feel that you are taking me for granted.
Put yourself in my shoes and imagine dealing with the ambiguities. It is very frustrating at times. More than once I feel that I am clapping with just one hand. You took me on a wild goose chase with the emotional rollercoaster ride. Yes, I was angry at you. Alas, I love you so much.
We cannot have this love-hate relationship enforced. It is very damaging. Stephen Covey said, Win-Win or else it will become Win-Lose/Lose-Win. That eventually becomes Lose-Lose.
I know this is a lengthy letter and I talk a lot about things that may not matter to you. Like I said, listen to your heart. Don't rely on the words. Basically, you need to figure out if this is a call of love or a cry for help. You decide...
Love you always.
Sine Cera,
12/11/20
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